


(even if we can't find heaven) i'll walk through hell with you

by sejun



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/M, M/M, Romantic Friendship, Slow Burn, idk man it was painful to write so i guess it'll probably be painful to read, lowkey cliche but i (promise) think it's worthwhile
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 17:56:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12194844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sejun/pseuds/sejun
Summary: In this world where Hyungseob had forgotten, Woojin is left with all the memories, and left to let them haunt him, alone.





	(even if we can't find heaven) i'll walk through hell with you

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea how long this will stretch out but it's probably going to be one or two more chapters at most. also, the roman numerals serve as a guide to when the scene changes, the numbering will run on through the chapters so yeah!

 

#  **prologue.**

* * *

_“_ _Love is friendship that has caught fire._

_It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving._

_It is loyalty through good and bad times._

_It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”_

_— Ann Landers_

* * *

 

 

This feeling that Woojin feels is not quite something that he can wrap his head around. But he knew he feels these kind of emotions only around a certain boy named Ahn Hyungseob. The feeling of wanting to protect someone and watch him smile forever even if it’s at the extent of his own happiness. Maybe he just wants time to stop forever when Hyungseob smiles at him, just so he can stare at that dazzling, soft smile forever. Just that, as much as he wish that he’s the reason behind the smiles, he’s not.

 

Woojin doesn’t hate her, he can’t bring himself to. How could he bring himself to hate someone who makes Hyungseob so happy? He doesn’t have the right to hate her either, there was nothing she ever did that deserves to be hated on anyways.

 

Maybe it started from the first day that Woojin met Hyungseob. He couldn’t quite recall.

  
  
  


 

 

 

 

#  **i.**

* * *

_“_ _Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight._

_I'm kind of funny about making new friends.”_

_— Eminem_

* * *

 

 

It was the first day of a new year.

 

The noise was the only constant in the busy classroom, with people walking in and out, alone, in pairs, in groups. It was the start of the new year but everyone already seemed to know each other so well. It was weird to Woojin, or even, slightly amusing, the fact that it takes so little for people to start being involved in social interactions. And there he was, with his headphones plugged in and his eyes fixated on the updated chapter of his manga.

 

“Is this seat taken?”

 

“No.”

 

That was how their friendship started, from Hyungseob picking the seat right beside Woojin.

 

They didn’t talk much though, it’s hard for Woojin to talk to anyone in general, he mostly spent his breaks with Daehwi. Albeit the one year age gap, Daehwi was someone that he can relate to and actually spend his time conversing with. He was, what he would say, comfortable around Daehwi. Being an introvert coupled with his shy personality, it makes it hard for Woojin to be comfortable, needless to say, to be close to people.

 

“Mister Woojin, are you ever going to replace me with someone else or am I already stuck with you for life?”

 

“No matter what you say, I guess you’re already stuck with me for life, not sure what will make you leave anymore.” Woojin still had his eyes fixed on his lunchbox, fiddling with the scrambled eggs with his fork. “I mean, who will feed you if we’re not friends anymore… You feeding yourself…? Sounds like a joke to me though.”

 

“Well, Excuse Me!” Daehwi jutted out his lip, with his hands folded in front of him. “I can cook too…”

 

“If that’s what you consider as cooking, everyone can cook, Mister Lee Daehwi.” A sneer curled onto Woojin’s face, as Daehwi protested (rather uselessly), listing out everything he ever cooked. _(Although, none of the listed food ever turned out decently, it was dreadful for Woojin when he had to taste Daehwi’s food on several occasions.)_

  
  


Hyungseob and Woojin only really started to talk when Euiwoong and Daehwi started hanging out together at lunch. Aside from waking each other up during lessons or picking up pens that they dropped, the pair hardly exchanged any substantial conversation. _(Even when they were sitting beside each other.)_ Naturally, Hyungseob also joined them because he and Euiwoong are both inseparable, similar to Daehwi and Woojin. Unlike Woojin, Hyungseob was actually popular in class, his bubbly personality naturally draws people towards him. According to some of their classmates, it’s never dull around Hyungseob, and he never fails to make your day. _(I mean, who wouldn’t want to hang out with someone like that?)_

 

With that, the two people company became four. And at first, Woojin minded. There was this unspeakable tension in the air, awkwardness perhaps? They would talk about a variety of things, but Woojin would only listen quietly, stuffing food in his mouth from time to time. The addition to the company made it awkward for him to speak up. Woojin wouldn’t call himself socially inept though, rather, he likes to say he just takes his time to evaluate if the friendship is worth his time.

 

Time probably really does make things better, because with time, it comes familiarity. The shy boy gradually learned to open up and talked more during conversations. Euiwoong and Hyungseob were no longer just people who existed in the same campus, they were, what people would call, friends. They were _his_ friends, that he had grown to love and treasure, although he would never state that explicitly.

  
  


The four of them were inseparable, at least, the closest they can come to inseparable amidst all of their busy schedules and different classes. Euiwoong and Daehwi were a grade below the other two, so naturally, they could not be literally inseparable. But, the four of them, came very close to that. It became a routine to spend their free time with one another, sometimes with the company of Donghyun, Youngmin or Jinyoung, Jihoon, but the point is, they spent a lot of time together.

 

They weren’t the popular squad where everyone would idolise or want to be part of, they weren’t the cool kids that everyone could only look from afar, but they were that group of friends that sometimes people look at in envy because of the close bond they share, they were that group of friends that probably half the campus had a crush on, they were the group of friends who went about their lives and minded their own business, they were that group of friends that Woojin was glad to be part of.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#  **ii.**

* * *

_“_ _Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...._

 _It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival._ _”_

_— C.S. Lewis_

* * *

 

 

Woojin and Hyungseob were close, but not unarguably close. They were the kind of friends who spend ample time together, but never discuss about their problems together. Sure, they do their homework, talk about school, make jokes, but they never ever approached each other for any problems in their personal life. Afterall, Woojin would go to Daehwi if there’s an absolute need, and Hyungseob would go to Euiwoong.

 

They never interfered, or even had a chance to interfere each other’s personal life until Hyungseob helped him out of a situation, a weird situation that he has no idea how to handle.

 

_Valentine's Day._

 

It always was and will be an awkward day for Woojin.

 

The four of them were popular in school due to their undeniable good looks. It was no surprise that every year during Valentine’s Day,their locker would be filled with gifts, to the extent that upon opening their lockers, the gifts would fall out. Love letters, chocolates, sometimes even face-to-face confessions, Woojin never quite understood or care for all gifts that he received. He never understood the idea of liking someone anyways. What is it like to even like someone? They say you feel butterflies because of attraction but what is it like to feel the butterflies? Isn’t it weird to get nervous around someone? What if you can’t stand some sides of that person? He could never quite fathom the concept of like, needless to say love. It was a brand new territory to him, one he hasn’t quite ventured in, and one he isn’t sure if he will ever want to even venture into.

 

Woojin always came to school early. That meant he has a lot of free time before classes officially begin for the day, not that he spends most of his time doing anything relatively productive, he just enjoys the tranquility of the morning. It took him by surprise when a girl he could barely recall, walked into class looking for him, with a love letter in her hand.

 

She was from Class 3B? He can’t quite remember either, but he knew that the both of them worked together once on a language paper, and that was probably the only time that they ever interacted. He didn’t want to misread the situation though, after all, she might just be looking for him for another reason? Why would she confess to him anyways? She made her way to the back of the class, where Woojin’s seat was located.

 

“Hello Doyeon. Why are you here though?” Woojin was rather confused, although he did hope that the girl would not confess since he has absolutely no idea how to reject her. Usually, Daehwi would handle these types of situations for him, making Woojin a joke and saying that he’s not worthy of the girl’s time, but Daehwi wasn’t here to save his ass from this if it were to happen. He was on his own.

 

“Woojin, you probably don’t even feel the same way but like, I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time, I’ve liked you for a long time, you’re so good looking and you have such a good personality, it’s hard to not like you. So like…” She blurted out before trailing off.

 

Woojin blanked out. What he hoped that she would not say was exactly what she did. He had no idea what to even reply her. He was about to tell her that he could barely remember her, needless to say that he would like her when Hyungseob walked into the room, yelling.

 

“WOOJIN YAH, DID CHECK YOUR LOCKER YET?”

 

The girl stopped talking upon hearing Hyungseob. When the boy walked nearer towards Woojin, he realised what he had interrupted, yet, he didn’t leave. For that, Woojin was thankful and probably would be eternally thankful towards Hyungseob for. “I’m sorry, Doyeon, I got to go.” Woojin awkwardly smiled at the girl as he watched her fidget with the letter in her hand. The letter was now slightly crumpled from all the pressure that she applied to the paper due to her nervousness.

 

“Sorry, Doyeon, we have somewhere to be, but you know you should ask me out instead, Woojin’s… not a good person....” Hyungseob winked playfully, and teasingly hit Woojin on the shoulder. Doyeon’s face was now flushed red, and her gaze was fixated on the ground.

 

“I’m sorry, forget anything that I ever said anything. With that, she ran out in a hurry.

 

“Wow thank god, I was about to tell her I could hardly remember her…”

 

“You know that if you said that, she’ll probably hate you secretly for the rest of her life right? That would be really embarrassing for her… Park Woojin-ssi, can you be more considerate towards others’ feelings… Just because you don’t have any…” That comment from Hyungseob resulted in a joking slap on the back, a slap that was a little too hard, obvious from the loud “piak” sound.

 

“YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT, I SAVED YOU FROM THAT AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME. I SWEAR TO GOD, PARK WOOJIN.”

 

“Shut up Ahn Hyungseob, we get it, you’re the king of being considerate.”

 

That was the turning point in their friendship, the point where Woojin started to open up more to Hyunseob and vice versa. The pair came to trust each other.

  
  


There was no argument that Daehwi and Woojin, Euiwoong and Hyungseob are closer. However, there are times when it’s easier to just talk to Hyungseob instead of Daehwi because they were in the same class after all. It was their last year in high school, and a lot of responsibilities weighed on their shoulders. It started off as mere convenience, it was easier to talk to Hyungseob over Daehwi about the stress, work and the uncertainty that lies in the future. However, slowly, Woojin didn’t talk to Hyungseob so much just because it’s easier, but because he enjoyed Hyungseob’s company (more than anyone else’s).

 

The four gradually stopped hanging out together as much. Their lunch breaks were often preoccupied with other commitments and various project meetings, which eventually resulted in them having less time to be able to spend together on campus. Woojin and Hyungseob spent a lot of time together, so much time that Woojin has the image of Hyungseob laughing almost permanently engraved in his head, not that he’s complaining.

  
  


_dumbass daehwi (1:03pm)_ : WE HAVEN’T ACTUALLY MET IN SO LONG

 _dumbass daehwi (1:03pm)_ : YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WITH HYUNGSEOB NOW

 

 _me (1:04pm_ ): shut up daehwi

 

 _dumbass daehwi (1:04pm)_ : AM I EVEN YOUR BEST FRIEND ANYMORE

 _dumbass daehwi (1:04pm)_ : WHAT A FAKE

 

 _me (1:04pm)_ : stop being such a brat

 _me (1:04pm)_ : you’re still my best friend

 _me (1:06pm)_ : hyungseob’s just…

 

 _dumbass daehwi (1:08pm)_ : just what

 

 _me (1:15pm)_ : a close friend i guess

  
  
  


Or is he? Undeniably, Daehwi has been friends with him even before they learnt how to walk. However, there’s just something different as to hanging out with Daehwi as opposed to Hyungseob. There’s still personal boundaries he would want to maintain with Daehwi, but with Hyungseob, he find himself crossing those boundaries, sharing things about himself he wouldn’t want anyone else to know.  Be it how he likes things in fours, the kind of smell he likes, or the food he hates. Or that one time he got really sick in fifth grade, he thought his parents forgot his birthday and cried for hours, or when he wore two different coloured socks with his shoes. He would share events down to the tiniest detail, as long as he could recall, to Hyungseob.

  
  
  


Their examinations were nearing, and that meant having to study in order to do well, not that that ever was quite a worry for either of them since they always kept their grades consistently high. Much of their time were spent in the various cafes, with the company of books, coffee and Donghyun and Youngmin.

 

“When will the both of you just get together for god’s sake. We’re all waiting.” Hyungseob rolled his eyes at Donghyun and Youngmin as he watched them feed each other chocolate cake teasingly. “If the two of you gets any more gross than this, I’m quitting life for real.”

 

“We’ll make sure to be more gross then.” Donghyun side eyed Hyungseob, before going back to tease Youngmin over whatever they were talking about. Woojin always found the pair relatively cute (something which he’ll never voice out since he hates public displays of affection) but there was just something about the nature of the relationship, having someone care so much about you and all of their attention focused on you that just makes Woojin wonder sometimes, _what exactly is love?_

 

“I swear to god, if I were to ever become that gross…” Hyungseob mumbled under his breath, thinking that no one else heard it, but it was quite the contrary. Hyungseob was never much of a soft spoken person, so what’s soft to him wasn’t quite the societal definition of soft.

 

“Have you seen how you act around Woojin… You’re talking as if you’re any better…” Youngmin spoke up defensively, with disbelief.

 

“I, what?” Hyungseob closed the languages reference book in front of him, and was about to get up from his seat. With a smile on his face, Woojin hushed him back into his seat by patting his shoulders down. “You know, if you get offended you already lost.”

 

With that, Hyungseob actually sat still, just that now he’s sipping on that cup of Frappuccino a little way too loud (just so he can express his dissatisfaction). “And that’s exactly what I meant by how you act around Woojin. You like him?”

 

Almost instantly, Hyungseob choked on his Frappuccino, his entire body shooting forward a little. Woojin was caught a little off guard by the question too, his eyes widened in shock, but it wasn’t long before he regained his composure and kept his cool. Although, undeniably, he was rather curious about how Hyungseob would answer to that. “What? You’re saying I like Woojin? As in, like him for how good he looks, that amazing personality and culinary skills? Then, of course, who wouldn’t?”

 

“If that helps you sleep at night, Hyungseob.”

 

“Okay, but Woojinnie, do youuuu like meee?” Hyungseob dragged the ends of his words on purpose, in an attempt to sound cute (which was well, successful).

 

“Do I?” A small smirk appeared on his face, before he shrugged it off and continued his work. Hyungseob protested (rather cutely, if he had to say), but Woojin filtered that out and tried to focus on his work. But in all honesty, Woojin has absolutely no idea. What did it mean to like someone? Do you care for them a little more than you care for everyone else? What does it mean to be attracted to someone? He has no idea, and he wasn’t quite sure if he’ll like to find out. Once, he found this girl next class kind of cute, but that thought didn’t last because everytime he lay his eyes on Hyungseob, that thought immediately gets dismissed. That led him to wonder where Hyungseob stands in his life and how much he meant to him.

  


_Maybe Hyungseob means more to him than he wish he did._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#  **iii.**

* * *

_"They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy:_

_someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”_ _  
_

_― Tom Bodett_

* * *

 

 

The change was slow, but definitely evident. Maybe it was inevitable and just how the cycle of friendship goes, Hyungseob and Woojin stopped hanging out as much. It puzzled Woojin slightly; nothing happened, after all. (At least, nothing happened to Woojin.)

  
  


He can’t remember the last time he talked to Hyungseob even. Just a month ago they were sitting barely inches apart from each other, talking about what they want to do in the future, where they want to go to university and every other thing under the sky. They went from literally inseparable to not talking, almost at all.

  
  


The change was fairly noticeable. (Actually, it was very noticeable since Hyungseob always had his arm around Woojin and would skip out of classes, dragging Woojin along with him, but that no longer happens). This sudden change resulted in a lot of concerning remarks from friends, asking what happened to the pair. Woojin thought it wasn’t _that_ noticeable though, but obviously, he was wrong. They _do_ spend a lot of time together and now, not at all.

 

Being the concerned best friend, Daehwi asked him what’s up with both him and Hyungseob, but Woojin has no idea what to say because what happened exactly? He doesn’t know. All he knows is that one fine day, they just stopped talking, and none of them did anything about it. Was he upset by the fact? He said no. Daehwi didn’t want to probe further but everyone who looked a little closer could tell, every time Hyungseob walked past, one could see Woojin attempting to speak up, but swallowing his words right back.

 

Daehwi wanted to give Woojin some space to sort his mind out, but he knew better though— he knows him better than the facade that he puts on, that Woojin who pretends he’s emotionless just to not get hurt. Daehwi could tell when Woojin lies, which is when he’ll do a thing with his feet and avert his gaze (just slightly though, so it’s not that noticeable) and that was exactly how Woojin acted when he said that he’s fine.

 

“Park Woojin, you know you’re a huge dumbass right?”

 

“I do, unfortunately. I miss him though, just... a little, I guess.”

  
  


Okay, Woojin takes what he said back, he misses Hyungseob a lot, but he has absolutely no idea how to approach Hyungseob. After all, it was always Hyungseob initiating everything between them, from meet ups to talks, he got used to Hyungseob making the first move, just like how he got used to Hyungseob being in his life. It was weird, that he doesn’t have someone calling him out of the blue just to ask him random questions, that there was no one teasing him for always having the most basics of food, that he actually had to go through all of these papers alone.

 

There was this emptiness, that he couldn’t quite fathom, the emptiness of not having Hyungseob in his life. That emptiness of not seeing his smile, hear his laughter, or have him tease him. It was just weird, to not have that boy that radiates sunshine in his life. In some ways, Hyungseob was his light, and Woojin feels like he’s lost in the dark.

  
  


Woojin hates the way how Hyungseob’s hair falls so messily, yet he looks like the most breathtaking person in the whole world.

 

Woojin hates the way how Hyungseob smiles, when his eyes form the shape of the moon, and his nose scrunches a little.

 

Woojin hates the way how Hyungseob radiates so much energy, he hates how everyone’s attention is drawn to him almost immediately.

 

Woojin hates how everyone gets Hyungseob’s attention, _everyone but him_.

 

To put Woojin’s life in a classic chick flick, 10 things I hate about you would probably come the closest, just that he’s not being paid to take Hyungseob out.

 

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.

I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.“

  
  


_Woojin misses Hyungseob, a little way too much._

  
  


When was the last time they talked? Woojin can’t recall anymore.

  
  


Woojin hears rumours going around that Hyungseob is dating Jieqiong. It made perfect sense though, the chinese transfer student was gorgeous, he would be lying if he said she’s not. (Although he hates to admit that).  

 

His heart would drop every single time he see the couple walk down the hallways together, hand in hand. Every single time, he would dismiss it and convince himself he’s just tired and that’s why he’s moody, it’s not because of them, it’s not.

  
  


_me (9:52pm_ ): why do i feel like i can’t breathe

 

 _dumbass daehwi (9:53pm)_ : what

 _dumbass daehwi (9:53pm)_ : what do you mean

 

 _me (9:55pm)_ : i don’t know but i know i hate it

 _me (9:55pm)_ : why do i hate it

 

 _dumbass daehwi (9:55pm)_ : uhm are you not going tell me what it is

 _dumbass daehwi (9:56pm)_ : i can’t help you if you won’t tell me

 

 _me (10:04pm)_ : i think you know what it is

 

 _dumbass daehwi (10:06pm)_ : yeah

 _dumbass daehwi (10:06pm)_ : i do have an idea but i want to hear it from you

 _me (10:20pm)_ : it’s hyungseob

 

 _dumbass daehwi (10:22pm)_ : see you in an hour at that park nearby

 _dumbass daehwi (10:22pm)_ : YOU BETTER COME

  
  


Woojin admits, he’s been avoiding any form of conversation related to Hyungseob for the longest time. _Why aren’t the both of you talking anymore? Weren’t the both of you best friends? Why can’t you just talk to him? Did anything happen? Are you okay with what happened?_

 

So many questions have been asked of Woojin about the pair, but it’s not as if he answered any. He would have if answering those questions could change the current situation with Hyungseob though, but sadly, that’s not how it works. He never spoke of what happened with Hyungseob to Daehwi, but he knows that Daehwi probably knows. It’s Lee Daehwi we’re talking about here, after all.

  
  


“Do you want to get bubble tea first or get straight to the point so I can yell at you already.” Daehwi asked, almost rhetorically, Woojin knew no matter what he answered, they would still go to get bubble tea, and Daehwi would probably yell at him the entire time.

 

 _He wasn’t wrong, but not exactly right._ Daehwi did drag him to go get bubble tea but, surprisingly, he was rather quiet. Daehwi had his cap tucked low and his eyes fixated on his phone, vigorously tapping away at the screen along with the almost inaudible “ping” every few seconds. “You’re not talking.”

 

“It’s not as if you’ll say anything even if I asked right?” Daehwi handed Woojin his milk tea before dragging him out of the shop by his wrist. The pair were walking along the relatively empty streets. The air was ripe with the pleasant petrichor post-afternoon rain. and that smell did make Woojin feel slightly better about this conversation that he doesn’t even know if he wants to have. It was not until almost five minutes later before Daehwi spoke again, “So, do you want to talk about it? You like him, don’t you?”

 

“Maybe.” Woojin was still being his usual hardheaded self, stubborn and unwilling to admit to things that concern him, especially his feelings.

 

“Stop lying. I know you better than that, Woojin.”

 

“How do you know me even when I don’t know myself, when I have no idea what I want…” Woojin is lost about what he wants, and what he wants to do. It was weird for him, to feel this way, to think about this. He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t ask to feel this way either.

 

“Because I know you better than you know yourself. You never care, you don’t care if people stop talking to you, you don’t care what happens next because you just go with everyone else’s choices since you refuse to make your own, that’s just how you are, but this is the first time i’ve seen you stress so much over someone, over a friendship, you didn’t even stress this much when we stopped talking for two months that time. You’re that kind of person who just goes with the flow, and you wouldn’t even do anything even if you cared because you’re just too goddamn too afraid to do anything.” Daehwi looked up, blinking his eyes slowly, in an attempt to not let his tears fall but to no avail.  

 

He was slightly bitter, but mostly just upset and pissed off at Woojin. Not that it’s not accountable though, Woojin and Daehwi did go two months without talking once, and they picked up their friendship from where they left off, without any discussion, because that’s just how Woojin is. To put it bluntly, he doesn’t really care, or in a nicer manner, he doesn’t think he needs to stay close to someone if the other has no intention of doing so. He’s upset and pissed off because Woojin never does anything he wants either, he assumes that whatever is happening is what the other party wants, and so, he just lets whatever happen, happens.  

 

That’s just how he is. Daehwi’s used to it, but Woojin’s at a loss of words. He’s seen Daehwi upset, lash out at him, but never explicitly call him out like this. That, was a first.  

 

“Would you promise me one thing?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

“Promise me you’ll talk to him.”

 

“I can’t because there’s no way to talk to him. He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

 

“You never tried either. I’d rather you regret the outcome of the conversation than sit here wondering every single thing that could have happened if you talked to him instead. Stop giving things up before you even have a chance to do anything. We all know Hyungseob’s special to you. Stop just going along with everything, Woojin. It hurts me to see you, so upset… over someone, to not have anything to do without him, to not even look forward to your days anymore... “

 

Daehwi mumbled under his breath, but Woojin caught every last word of what he said. “You know. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” That conversation left Woojin more puzzled than ever. Daehwi went back to his usual cheery self, teasing Woojin over tteokbokki and fried chicken, and for the first time, Woojin doesn’t fight back because his mind is elsewhere.

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

#  **iv.**

* * *

_“Love is that condition in which the happiness_

_of another person is essential to your own.”_

_―_ _Robert A. Heinlein_

* * *

 

 

Woojin took his own time, to slowly think about what Daehwi said. He chewed on the words that were thrown his way. “You never care…” He wish he had something to retaliate against what Daehwi said but he knows very well that that’s the truth. Woojin’s a rather calculative person, he’s one of those that believes in change being the only constant and taking calculated risks.  

 

_When was the last time he took a risk?_

 

_The last time he took a risk because of someone?_

 

_The last time he took a risk for someone?_

 

It’s so non-existent he could hardly recall any instances. He wasn’t used to taking risks for anyone. He preferred the simple 1 + 1 = 2 equations in life, and a huge part of him wishes that that’s the way that life worked, instead of being so complicated and confusing. There was no set equation to solve things in life, as much as he wished that there is. Why can’t figuring out the norms in life as easy as the simple sums he did, he doesn’t mind if it was algebraic either, he preferred anything else, anything else than this complicated matter called feelings. He hates feelings; he hates feeling things for someone. He hates not being able to understand what is it that he feels. He hates not having a set way to go about with life.

  
  


**Google Search History**

how do you know if you like someone

what is it like to like someone

what does it mean if you like someone

what is infatuation

how do you know if you are infatuated

infatuation versus like versus love

how do you get someone you think you might like to stop ignoring you

 

To say that Woojin is merely lost would be a tremendous understatement of the boy’s current state. He was not just lost, he had absolutely no idea what to do. Reading all these lists of what it is like to _like_ someone? It sort of blows his mind. Actually, never mind, it blew his mind.

 

_Does he like Hyungseob?_

 

_Is he infatuated with Hyungseob?_

 

_Does he love Hyungseob?_

 

_What does it mean to feel any of that anyways?_

 

His mind drifts to thinking about the various couples he’ve seen in his life. The most obvious and closest to him being Youngmin and Donghyun. Is it in the way that the pair act around each other? The way how they always steal glances at each other and look away almost immediately when the other realises? Or is it the way how they never fail to forget to buy each other things, be it a mere item that reminded them of the other or just lunch? Or is it in the way that they banter, which sometimes results in one party feeling upset, with the other cutely coaxing the other in any way possible? _What is it that makes a pair couple and not friends?_

 

Woojin can’t quite wrap his head around it. “Why am I even thinking about this anyways. I shouldn’t even be concerned about it.” Out of frustration, he slammed his laptop shut, loud enough to hear a “thud” sound.

 

What does it mean when they say you feel butterflies that radiate attraction anyways? What does it mean when they say you consider the voltage when skin ship occurs? What does it mean when they say you just know it? _Because obviously, Woojin doesn’t._

 

But what he does know?

 

He knows he wants to know everything possible about Hyungseob. He knows he thinks about him almost all the damn time. He knows he puts in extra effort with everything if it is related to a certain boy called Ahn Hyungseob. And he certainly knows that not talking to him is killing him slowly, inside out.

  
  


_me (11:34pm_ ): daehwi have you ever liked someone

 _me (11:34pm)_ : what does it mean to like someone

 _me (11:34pm)_ : how do you know it

 

 _dumbass daehwi (11:36pm_ ): what

 _dumbass daehwi (11:36pm)_ : ????

 _dumbass daehwi (11:36pm_ ): okay but like

 

 _me (11:36pm)_ : yeah just answer my question

 

 _dumbass daehwi (11:37pm_ ): ok fine

 _dumbass daehwi (11:37pm_ ): to answer your question

 _dumbass daehwi (11:37pm_ ): i feel like you just kind of know it?

 _dumbass daehwi (11:38pm_ ): it’s like when you’re around them you’re the happiest and that kind of happy is a kind of happiness you don’t quite feel every single other day

 

 _me (11:42pm):_ i don’t get it

 _me (11:42pm):_ WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY YOU JUST KNOW IT

 

_dumbass daehwi (11:45pm):  you really just kind of know it_

_dumbass daehwi (11:45pm): and_ honestly? i don’t get love either but i guess that’s love, you’re not supposed to get it and understand it all the time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#  **v.**

* * *

_“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life._

_What’s the point of being who I am,_

_if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”_

_―_ _Stephanie Lennox_

* * *

 

 

It’s been what? About a month of not talking to Hyungseob was what that started to get Woojin thinking. It was only about a month, but it felt like years, and something just felt off the entire month.

 

The long nights that he spent alone, instead of talking about mundane useless things with Hyungseob, the homework that he did alone, instead of working on it with Hyungseob, the boring school hours that he spent without Hyungseob’s company, instead of listening to him make random remarks throughout the day. Woojiin always felt the emptiness, the unspoken emptiness that he could not quite wrap his head around _(it’s not that he can now)_ , but maybe he’s getting somewhere with this mess. He’s just not sure where’s the last piece of puzzle that he’s missing out here.

 

But what he knew?

 

Hyungseob will be the answer to most things.

 

Just that, Woojin’s too afraid to try.

  
  


“ _If you aren't willing to fight for it, then you clearly don't want it enough.“_

 

Does Woojin not want this enough?

 

_“If you aren't willing to fight for it, then I'm sorry… but that person deserves better.”_

Hyungseob does deserve better though. Woojin’s nowhere near enough for that boy, or so he thought. That boy deserves the world and more, and Woojin’s not the world or more, and neither can he give him that.

  


The thing about Woojin is that, he does not change overnight. Albeit change is the only constant, he isn’t that fond of the concept. Every single time he sees Hyungseob walks past him, with his group of friends surrounding him as usual, Woojin wants to reach out to him, to ask him what went wrong between them but every single time he tries to speak, he swallows the words that he wants to say right back. It’s almost as if Hyungseob’s at a place he feel like he cannot reach anymore, part of him feels like the two of them don’t even belong to the same world anymore.

 

There Hyungseob is, surrounded by a huge crowd, and here Woojin is, with his headphones and like two other friends, Donghyun and Youngmin. Hyungseob stopped talking to them too, they probably took it at face level, assuming it’s because of a fight between Woojin and Hyungseob, and therefore not sparing much thought to it. The pair makes good company, but as much as they are good company, the two are also a couple, which makes Woojin an awkward third wheel; some, if not most of the time. It makes him miss Hyungseob a little more, he never felt like he’s the odd one out when Hyungseob’s there with him, it’s almost as if, that boy makes him feel more at home than anyone else ever did. That’s probably what makes Ahn Hyungseob so special to him though; he always had a way to make Woojin feel safe — something no one could make him feel for the longest time ever.

 

It’s probably how Woojin rarely feels which makes this motion of feeling so special to him.

 

Actually, scrape that, Hyungseob’s special to him, it’s not just the way he makes him feel.

  
  


Woojin’s eyes followed Hyungseob’s figure as he walked from this end of the room to the other, with a sense of longing. Perhaps, he stared a little too hard that even Youngmin—who usually don’t bring anything up—brought it up to Woojin; almost teasingly, but mostly out of concern.

 

“I didn’t want to interfere because you always avoid this topic, but it’s been… quite some time hasn’t it? You know, you don’t usually stare so much at Hyungseob. I mean, you do that all the time, but never this, sadly?” Youngmin’s voice made Woojin jump a little, confusion followed shortly after.

 

“What do you mean I always stare at him…”

 

“Donghyun and I both noticed it but like, we never wanted to point it out since it would be embarrassing for you and you probably don’t want to talk about it, you never want to talk about things related to Hyungseob. You know, you can always talk to me about what happened… Bottling so much in makes it hard on yourself.” It was obvious even to Woojin, who hardly picks up social cues, that Youngmin was concerned enough to bring this up to him. It was also slightly alarming though, that firstly, his starring wasn’t that secretive, secondly, even his friends are concerned enough to start bringing things up to him, something which they hardly do due to Woojin’s high decency to avoid conversations.

 

“I probably just miss his company.” Woojin paused a little, his eyes shifting to the ground, “He’s good company, I guess.” Woojin’s still hesitant to share about things related to Hyungseob, no matter who it is that asked of him for what happened.

 

“I don’t believe you but I have to take your word for it, don’t I? That’s the most you’ve ever said about the both of you anyways. You don’t have to be so closed off, really.”

  
  


That’s pretty much how the whole week went, Woojin trying to talk to Hyungseob but to no avail. It felt like déjà vu honestly. The two weeks after they went stale, it was evident Hyungseob was trying to talk to him, but Woojin simply chose to shut him out. _Was it jealousy that caused him to act that way?_

  
  


It’s probably karma that Hyungseob is ignoring Woojin now.

  
  


That went on for awhile. Woojin staring at Hyungseob, Hyungseob catching on and Woojin looking away immediately.

  
  


It was frustrating for everyone else around them. Euiwoong, Zhenting and Justin talked to Woojin about it, Daehwi, Donghyun and Youngmin talked to Hyungseob but nothing seems to help with the situation. The pair was rather stubborn and reluctant to say anything.

  
  


_Daehwi likes to call them hopeless._

  
  


_And Woojin’s really starting to think that that’s the case._

  
  


_And this situation goes on, this push-and-pull of wanting to talk to each other._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#  **vi.**

* * *

_They say you don't know what you have until it's gone._

_Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you'd never lose it._

_―_ _Anonymous_

* * *

 

 

Woojin never thought he could feel that devastated than he did, but apparently, he could.

 

_(But maybe even this was too much for Woojin to handle, and Woojin can handle a lot of things, considering he hardly even feels any emotion.)_

  
  


He doesn’t know how and why it happened, he only remembers picking up a call from Euiwoong with his voice muffled and hardly audible. That took Woojin by surprise because the pair rarely even talked since _The Fall Out_. (And Euiwoong crying is a rare occurrence already, not that Euiwoong talks to Woojin about his problems or cry in front of him though).

 

“Something… happened… to… Hyungseob….” It took a lot of effort for Euiwoong to even spit that out audibly, his words were mumbled, and unclear from all the soft sobbing. It took a moment for that information to sink into Woojin’s head. _What could possibly happen to Hyungseob for Euiwoong to cry so hard over him?_

 

The worst scenarios started to run in his head, but he tried to keep a positive outlook to the information presented to him _(not that he ever is the brightest but he tries)_. “You mean like… something like immigrating right…?”

 

“No…” Woojin could hear commotion from the other end of the phone call, various people shouting and crying noises in the background. He could faintly make out someone saying “Hand me the phone, I’ll talk to him…”

 

It’s been 3 minutes ever since Euiwoong called, and that 180 seconds felt like torture, Woojin would much rather go through the torture in the depths of hell than to be held in suspense.

 

It was Seunghyuk, Woojin could recognise his his voice. He’s usually a rather composed person that never loses his chill but even he sounded rather worried, and somehow anxious, and that fact itself started to worry Woojin even more with every passing second.

 

“Hyungseob got into a car crash, Woojin… We thought you should know…”

  
  


“Which hospital… I’ll come over.” In that moment, Woojin could feel his whole world starting to spiral down, just when he thought nothing could be worse.

 

“I don’t know if Hyungseob would want to see you but, Seoul General Hospital…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#  **vii.**

* * *

“Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can.

And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.”

 _―_ _Nicholas Sparks_

* * *

 

 

It was as if he hit point blank, Woojin was numb towards what happened. Daehwi was lying on his lap, having passed out from how much he cried. Everyone in the waiting room was in tears; well, everyone but Woojin. The cold air from the air conditioner hit his face harshly, Woojin could almost feel the chills in his bones _(maybe that’s how people feel when they’re dead)_.

 

It was already three in the morning, six hours since Euiwoong called.

 

Even till now, Woojin has no idea how this happened, and he didn’t want to know either. At this point, he’s not sure how much more he can handle before he hits his breaking point. There’s only so much someone can take before they hit that point, and for the first time in forever, that point seems so near for him.

 

Medical staff ran in and out of the emergency room, new people were rushed in every hour or so, and more crying families, friends, relatives appeared. Every second of that felt like torture, the sound of the scurrying steps, crying noises and serious conversations messed Woojin’s mind up even more. It made his train of thought become darker by the second, at this point, probably twenty kinds of totally different scenarios already played out in his head.

 

Best case scenario? Hyungseob lives with no serious injuries.

 

Worst case scenario? Hyungseob dies, and Woojin’s not sure how he can even bring himself to deal with this outcome. He still has yet to solve whatever happened between the both of them. Can he really live with the fact that this boy just disappeared from the face of the earth forever just like that?

 

He doesn’t think he can live with that.

 

The fact that Hyungseob will be gone forever, the fact that he will have no idea about Hyungseob’s feelings, the fact that Hyungseob will never hear anything from him.

 

That broke his heart, and it didn’t help that Hyungseob’s parents were there too. It didn’t help when they walked up to him and asked why they hardly saw him around like how they used to see him over at their house every other day. He smiled in an attempt to make things seem less bad, shrugging it off saying that they just got busy. It made Woojin miss Hyungseob even more. Every single memory that they ever shared ran through his mind like a film unwinding. All the memories, moments that they shared? They made him reminisce.

  
  


Probably seven hours past, Woojin lost track of the time. Time’s no longer a measure of change for him, but merely just torture, as he waits for the doctor to make a statement on Hyungseob’s situation. Many of the others fell asleep, and therefore were shunned home. It was just his parents, him and Euiwoong waiting in the room by now.

 

After what feels like forever, the doctor emerged from behind the doors. “Who are the parents or relatives of patient Ahn Hyungseob?” All four of them jumped up in their seat before scurrying over. At last, they would hear something from them about the boy that all of them love and appreciate.

 

“He’s not in a critical condition anymore, but his situation will have to be monitored. Visitation will also be limited and only a maximum of two patients will be allowed to visit the patient each time.” A huge weight was lifted off Woojin’s chest, Hyungseob’s safe, at the very least. Hyungseob’s parents went in first, leaving Euiwoong and Woojin outside.

 

There was an awkward tension between the pair, probably from the whole mess between Hyungseob and Woojin, considering how they barely talked ever since they went stale. They used to be so close, but right now, Euiwoong could barely look at Woojin in the eye. “Don’t mess this up, please. I don’t think Hyungseob can take anything more, Woojin. Don’t even talk to him if you don’t think you can answer what he would want to ask you truthfully. He’s too tired for that.” Woojin can’t quite figure out if that’s a form of concern or threat, he’s too worn out to even let that sink in, and he’s way too worn out to even deny things at this point.

 

“I won’t, at least not now. I’m just glad he’s safe, I’ll take one look before I go.”

 

“You know, I never knew what happened between you two either, but I guess it’s bad enough for everything to turn out this way. Just, don’t let something petty get even more in the way of the both of you. He really loves you, you know that? I caught him watching a travel vlog that we did to Japan and tearing up over it. I miss you too, a little I guess.”

  
  


The pair went in after Hyungseob’s parents came out of the room. The frowns on their face that was almost permanent for the past few hours were finally lifted. Hyungseob’s still the same smiley, bright boy, it was almost comedic how both his parents looked so grief-stricken but Hyungseob still had a bright smile plastered over his face.

 

What greeted Woojin left hm in shock, and he never prayed something to be a joke harder than he ever did in that moment. “Woah, Euiwoong did you make a new friend while I was gone this few hours? How easily you’re replacing me…” Hyungseob jutted out his lips, protesting slightly.

 

“You mean YOU replaced me with him.”

 

“I don’t even know him…”

 

“Are you joking.” Euiwoong’s voice went flat, he was slightly taken aback by Hyungseob’s reaction. He expected Hyungseob to be upset, to be mad, to throw a tantrum, but not this, certainly not this.

 

“Do I look like I am?”

 

“Do you really not remember me…?”

 

“No, and I’m in no mood to play guessing games?”

 

Woojin was devastated. His mind went blank for real this time.

 

The doctors were called in, with his parents following behind. Nothing they said went into his head, except a few sentence fragments that he caught on to. “Hyungseob has selective memory loss, the memories associated to a person he chooses or wanted to forget will not be remembered by him unless something triggers him.”

 

His vision blurred, and everything being said right now is just static noise. He excused himself and headed straight to the bathroom. He had an arm resting on the bathroom stall. how he wish he could cry, but no matter how devastated he feels right now, there were no tears.

 

Of all people to forget, Hyungseob forgot him. Is that an indication of how important he is in his life? To be forgotten is as if he was never acknowledged in the first place, and that feeling is not the best. The last thing he ever wanted was to not exist at all to someone. _That someone happened to be Hyungseob._

 

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
****

# **viii.**

* * *

The worst feeling isn’t being lonely,

it is being forgotten by someone you can’t forget.

 _―_ Anonymous

* * *

 

 

Woojin never visits Hyungseob again. He almost completely fell back to his routine of ignoring Hyungseob’s existence completely; that was not quite what he wanted but, he didn’t have a choice. Hyungseob has no idea who he was anyways. Every scenario in his head to apologise vanished.

 

Maybe that is easier for Woojin, to not exist to Hyungseob. Maybe then all the bad memories that they shared would be forgotten. But what about the good ones?

 

_In this world where Hyungseob had forgotten, Woojin is left with all the memories, and left to let them haunt him, alone._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> you can talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ultsbnms)!! this is certainly not my best writing but i hope y'all bear with me and feel free to leave suggestions! also, thank you to miss takao (deliveryservice) for proofreading for me i love you <3


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